Check Out Be Broken and the Pure Life Academy!

I am often asked for resources to help fight porn addiction.  While there are many on our website, I want to take a minute and direct you to one that I have found quite helpful.

I am going to repost a blog that I found on their site and then give you the link so you can navigate it glean from all the resources they provide.  Remember, there are people out there who can help you! 

You don't have to stay trapped!

The name of the organization is Be Broken!  I love that!!  They are based in Texas but they have wonderful online resources and they hold weekend retreats and conferences in other parts of the country.  I think one is coming to Florida soon (More on that later).

Check out this insightful blog - especially for all those who think "being right" is always the most important thing!

When Being Right is Wrong, by Jonathan Daughtery

There is a mistake I see virtually every man make in recovery. It is the mistake of defending "rightness." Let me explain.

Every man who enters recovery has a history of deception; of others as well as himself. He has told so many lies it would be pointless to try and tally them up. When the truth of his secrets comes to light, the people closest to him recoil in shock and hurt. They feel the sting of betrayal that his lies brought. They wonder if they can ever again believe anything this man tells them.

As the man pursues recovery and begins to experience some healing and freedom, he realizes that the ones he hurt are not so quick to "get on board" with his new life. They remain skeptical, even defensive; even accusatory. And for the man in recovery this causes him to feel the ironic sting of hurt and befuddlement. Few, however, recognize the irony. Instead, they rail against the accusations with a fervor of "righteousness."

This is a bad idea.

Read the rest here!

 

 

 

Don't Get Caught Off Guard By Their Grieving

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS

Charlie came into the counseling office looking very despondent. “I don’t understand what happened this week,” he said. “Carrie had been doing so well and I have not seen her angry in more than a month. Then she just exploded. Crying, throwing things, cursing at me. I thought we were good. What happened?”  

Charlie is a recovering pornography addict who has been in therapy for nearly one year and his wife, Carrie, is working on her own betrayal recovery. What Charlie encountered is not unusual for a couple doing the intense work to get their marriage back on track.

What Carrie experienced was another bout of grieve over the betrayal she experienced from Charlie’s use of pornography during their marriage. What happened with Carrie is simply part of the recovery process. Men tend to forget the average recovery time for a woman dealing with betrayal is 12-24 months. But it could take 3-5 years for healing to be complete.

Over the past month, Carrie had been practicing self-soothing when she was feeling angry or sad as she thought about Charlie’s actions. She was trying to reduce the amount of negativity she was experiencing when spending time with her husband.

There is nothing wrong with Carrie trying to stay more positive around Charlie, her only mistake was she should have told him what she was attempting to do. This would have helped set Charlie’s expectations about her recovery.

But he also made mistakes.

Enjoying the stability of a peaceful home, Charlie didn’t take opportunity to ask Carrie how she was dealing with her recovery. If he had, she most likely would have shared any emotions that were troubling her, instead of holding them in.    

His second error was mistaking Carrie’s calm demeanor to indicate she was no longer emotionally or mentally troubled by his pornography addiction. As I tell my male clients, while your wife may be presenting a calm and peaceful appearance do not underestimate the amount of emotional and mental distress that still lies under the surface.

A woman’s grieving is like ocean waves. There are periods in which their negative emotions are large and powerful, and these can feel overwhelming. There are other times when they are smaller and seem calm. This can give off mix messages and lead men to have a false impression everything is back to normal.

Wrong.

First, things are never going back to normal. She doesn’t want to return to the marriage you had. For her, the marriage is tainted and dirty. She wants to take the relationship in a new direction that brings a renewed sense of hope and healing. And you need to go there with her.

Second, she is looking for the “new guy”. Recently, a wife who was struggling to re-engage with her husband after nearly a year of recovery work, put it this way, “on one hand there is my husband who cheated on me with multiple women. On the other hand, is my husband who no longer cheats on me. So, tell me, what’s the difference between them?”

It is critical a partner understands the changes being made by the man in recovery. She needs to know there is something different about him that will enable him to guard her heart and make healthy decisions. And if you don’t explain to her how the “old guy” has changed, you are leaving her in the dark.

In order not to be blindsided like Charlie, take the following three steps in working with your partner:

1. At least once a week, ask your spouse how she is doing with her recovery. If she simply says “ok”, follow up by asking what has happened that she is now feeling “ok”.

2. Make it a point to check in with your partner on a regular basis and share with her what you are learning in your recovery. More importantly, communicate how the insights you are learning are helping to change you to become the “new” guy.

3. Be fully aware of the time a woman needs to heal from betrayal and understand although at times she may seem calm and peaceful under the surface could still be a great deal of fear and emotional pain.   

 

Recognizing Triggers & Traps in Overcoming Porn Addiction!

Part One

I struggled with porn addiction for years before I realized that certain moments, thoughts, people, or places were triggers that ignited my desire and drove my decision-making process.  I know them now, and I have to be ready for them.

A couple of trigger and traps are:

  1. Seasons of life that are particularly demanding and/or taxing.
  2. Transitions in life such as a new place of work or a new move.
  3. Moments or days after I have expended a large amount of emotional energy on a task or project.

Any of the moments described above are potential triggers and traps that can trick me into believing porn is a necessary escape.

I am not sure what your triggers and traps are, but I know you have them.

So, I am going present four areas of potential triggers and traps in the hope that reading them will awaken you to and keep you aware of your own.

In my own journey, awareness of these triggers and traps has provided firm footing on which to stand and has enabled me to live a robust and wonderfully healthy post-porn addiction life!

Triggers and Traps

  1. The Trying Season. The American Psychological Association reports that nearly 70% of us believe stress has an impact on our physical well-being.[i]  I wonder if we realize the impact of stress on our mental and emotional health?  While stress is the norm for many, highly stressful seasons of life are the experience of every one of us.

Consider two dominant areas of life experience:

  1. Relational. This is life with friends or family, pending life stage and development.
  2. Work/Education. This is the area of life that likely occupies most of your time.  For those in a career, it means a job.  For those who are students it means school work, life and all the activities that come with being a student in your typical academic setting.

In both areas, relationships and work, formation and deformation are happening all the time.  For example: when you work hard and receive a promotion or pay raise, you experience formation.  Your energies are rewarded and recognized by your colleagues, which gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment.  The experience of pride and accomplishment help form our sense of personhood, plac’dness, and purpose in our world.    In moments like these, ones of value, esteem and recognition, something sacred is at work.  It’s as if places in us – often places we aren’t even aware exist – are being shaped and formed.

In such moments, we experience joy and fulfillment.  While this is a beautiful moment that brings hope, it is also accompanied by subtle but certain stressors.  Intuitively, we begin to entertain thoughts like these:

Wow, what is this going to do for my career in the long run?  More success, more money, more stuff, more hours at work?

What’s my spouse going to think about this?  Does this mean I have to put in that pool he has been nagging me to put in these past two years?

How will this impact my relationship with my colleagues?

Yes.

Even in moments of joy and celebration, stress begins to build.  Most of the stress is, of course, self-inflicted, but that’s not the point.

The point is that stress begins to build during moments we would not expect it to build.

If we don’t awaken to this reality, it will grow over time and become the dominate narrative from which we live.

Soon, we are in the midst of a Trying Season and we aren’t quite sure how we even got there.

As stress builds anxiety increases.

As anxiety increases, frustration takes hold.

As frustration takes hold, conflict – both internal and external – grows.

As conflict grows, stress becomes the norm.

When stress becomes the norm, we sense a growing need to escape reality and relieve all the tension.  The Trying Season then falls prey to porn’s opportunistic pull and we act out.

We click that web page that offers total satisfaction with very little investment.

We hunt, really scour, the World Wide Web.  Hoping to find that caring companion who will, for just a small amount of our hard-earned money, ease away the pain, if only for a while.

We stroll into that massage parlor that everyone knows offers more than back rubs and seek to receive a solace our stressed out lives fail to provide.

You get the picture.

Porn’s power is weaponized in the midst of Trying Seasons and stressful realities.

In our next post, I will share a host of ways I’ve learned to combat the weaponization of porn and to decrease its power in my life!

Biz Gainey

Men Against Porn

[i] http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2012/impact.aspx

Can I Break My Addiction?

"I have tried and tried to break this addiction.  I make it for a few days, or weeks - one time I even made it for several months - but I always seem to slip back into porn and fall flat on my face.  Can I ever be free of this addiction?"

I've heard statements like this one dozens, possibly hundreds, of times in my life.  I've even said it myself, on numerous occasions.  Down to this very day, though porn no longer has the hold on me it once did, I can easily be tempted and begin to traipse down the wrong path.

Yet, even now, I can - and do - live in (and into) freedom.  

You can too.  

You may not be perfect, but you can be free!  If you're struggling with this thought, take a minute and read the following 7 tips designed to encourage you give you the STRENGTH to fight on!

1.      Struggle with porn does not necessarily mean addiction to porn.  Let's face it: we live in a porn-saturated society.  The sexual objectification of humankind has become the most dominate social imaginary, or narrative (cultural waters in which we swim) of the modern era.  If you've every struggled with porn, you likely always battle it because the culture in which we live has embraced it and absorbed it at alarming rates!

2.      Relapse or setbacks may happen, but every moment of victory you've experienced has 'raised the floor' for you.  As such, you don't have to fall as far!  The significant moment is the moment of response to your relapse.  Don’t sulk in your misery and don’t believe the lie the relapse is perpetuating!  Rather . . . .

3.      Engage in meaningful activities.  Listen, you are made to do really cool things.  You have unique gifts and your life brings significant contributions to others.  Go out there and get after it!

4.       Never give up!  #Nuffsaid!

5.      Grab a friend who can help you on this journey!  I do not believe that you can live in victory and isolation at the same time.  Freedom requires loving, meaningful, and caring community.  Don’t stay stuck in the isolation – that will lead to further relapse. Get out and grab a friend whose willing to go with you!

6.      Take some time to enjoy the good things you have in life!  I find that gratitude helps me stay strong, especially when I’m down on myself.  No matter how hard the battle is or how far my fall has been, when I stop and recount all the good things or blessings in my life, my perspective changes.  Think about your health, your home, your relationships, your work, your skills, talents, family, etc.  Focus on good things for a while!

7.      Habit your way back into freedom!  I know that’s an odd way to say it, but the simple fact is this: your porn addiction or sexual compulsion is now a habitual behavioral pattern that you’ve developed over time.  You have to develop new patterns and reroute those neural pathways toward health and wholeness. 

Remember when you played sports?  Coaches know this truth and teach it. 

It’s called muscle memory. 

Some say it takes between 3,000 – and 5,000 repetitions to establish new muscle memory patterns. 

It can be done, but it only comes with intention and practice!

I hope this helps.  If so share it with those you know and love.

We at Men Against Porn seek nothing short of the eradication of porn in our life time.  Frankly, we need your help to see this come to fruition.

It’s time to speak up and stand with us.

Biz

MenAgainstPorn

I Fight Too. An Open and Anonymous Letter from a Wife of One Who Fights Porn

This is an open and anonymous letter that we’ve received at MenAgainstPorn.  We believe this is a message that must be heard by everyone.  Please, share this with your friends and family and encourage others to join this worthy cause!

#enoughisenough

I Fight Too

To the man who stole my husband’s innocence,

I know.

You didn’t physically harm him.

You didn’t physically introduce him to the world of sexuality.

You didn’t touch him inappropriately.

You didn’t intentionally steal from his mind. I know.

But the truth is, you did.

For many years I have had nothing but compassion for you. I know your story didn’t just happen. I know that somewhere along the way you were a victim.  I also know that only now, as a mature adult, have you recognised the need and found the willingness to face your greatest battle – your addiction to pornography. You have much to be proud of because you have fought and you continue to fight.

Still, I need to tell you that you are not the only victim in this struggle that you fight daily.

I have stood beside your wife as she cried the tears of a lifetime’s worth of hurt. Standing in my kitchen she explained that she knew she could have walked away but she didn’t because she never felt God calling her to. Her strength to stay with you despite her emotional pain is honestly honourable.

She refuses to give up on you; you are blessed to be loved by her.

Unfortunately, I know how she feels. You stole my husband’s innocence.

He was a child.

A CHILD!

He was exposed to pornography within your home despite your ‘efforts’ to cover your tracks. As I write this, I process the enormity of your failure to protect his mind.

Suddenly, I understand why I have never seen the look of complete passion and desire for me in my husband’s eyes.

He has seen it all before.

Suddenly, I understand why I need to initiate most intimate moments with him Because what I have to offer is nothing compared to what you made available to him.

The difference, though, is that what I offer is real.

What you offered, while exciting, was fake.

He is a man who chose to fight this battle before you did.

He didn’t want to be you.

He isn’t you.

He wanted to hold his wife close to his heart and love her without confusion or blemish. He does a great job, but he can’t do this completely. He loves me more than I had ever anticipated someone could, yes.

But there is a small part of him that I can’t undo.

This is the part that you are responsible for.

Yes.

I!

Blame!

You!

I blame you for not being the father he needed. I blame you for stealing something from him that I too have to live with. I blame you because I can’t experience the freedom of a normal, happy and healthy sex life without thoughts of not being enough.  Many times, I even question if I am a repulsive human being.

Why else would he squirm when I touch him?

Why else would he shy away from compliments or comments of desire?

You’ve confused him and I blame you.

I!

Blame!

You!

Marriage is supposed to be a place of exploration – of one’s self, of spirituality, and of sexuality. I’ve had some truly beautiful moments with your son but intimacy has always been and may always be a struggle.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve googled ‘husband not interested in sex’.  This has become my secret. Generally, it is the woman who is less interested in sex. But I struggle with not understanding why the opposite is true in our relationship.  I feel rejected.  For years now, I have wondered, ‘What is it about me?’ I see things more clearly now and I have decided to free myself of this burden. I now embrace whatever sexual activity I’m invited to explore and I understand that my husband’s innocence was taken.

I’m no saint. I had partners before your son. Perhaps the remembrance of those relationships is the only way I’ve kept myself sane some days. To know that I was once wanted in a sexual way is somewhat reassuring. But in those relationships, I wasn’t wanted for the person I am. I was wanted more for the fun that was shared. When your son doesn’t want me, I now know, it’s not me.

Sadly, it’s what you did to him as a child.

I.

Blame.

You.

But, I forgive you.

My relationship with your son hasn’t been without hurt.

On two occasions, I’ve found evidence that inappropriate websites had been viewed. Additionally, your son has confided in me that he was tempted to go elsewhere for a bit of ‘stress relief’ too. God knows how much I hate those ‘massage parlours’. He broke me completely when he told me about that. Why was it okay for a stranger to touch him when I have to defend myself when I simply rub his back? A great comfort for me at that point in our marriage was that I had begun feeling sexy and confident. I still don’t know what brought about the change in my self-confidence, but I look back at photos of myself at around that time and I see someone who felt good. I had confidence in myself regardless of his ability to see me that way.

My point is this: our marriage hasn’t been perfect but it’s been good. Really good.

Much of our expression of love has been tainted though. For the first time in our marriage I am freeing myself of the sadness and the self-imposed responsibility I have carried. I can see that this is bigger than me.

I can see that I have a man who was broken as a little boy because you didn’t protect him.

I forgive you. But I need you to know, you are not the only one who fights this battle.

I Fight Too!          

Full Disclosure to the Wife: Should He, Or Shouldn't He, Part 2

FULL DISCLOSURE TO THE WIFE

SHOULD HE, OR SHOULDN'T HE?

By Melody O’Malley, BA

Part Two

This is the second part of an article examining how some pastors and counselors are re-traumatizing women who are trying to deal with the sexual betrayals of their husbands.

For part one, click this link: http://www.menagainstporn.org/blog/2017/5/2/full-disclosure-to-the-wife-should-he-or-shouldnt-he

 4 Reasons Some Pastors/Counselors Don’t Believe in Disclosure

 1. They discount the depth of magnitude the husband's sin is having in the home and marriage.  These individuals who are supposed to be helping women deal with betrayal, do not recognize the emotional, psychological, sexual, financial and sometimes physical abuse that often goes together with sexual sin/addiction and infidelity. 

Many are prioritizing the man's right to privacy over the wife's right to know the depth of the unfaithfulness that has taken place.  There are countless women suffering from mysterious STDs who could benefit psychologically by knowing how they got them.  Many of these women and their children are dealing with angry men who express frustration and sometimes rage to shut down the wife’s emotional response to the infidelity.

 2. Many focus on "there are two sides to every story" approach to deal with the problem.  Most marriage counselors will focus on helping couples deal with issues that trouble each individual and have led to a strain in the relationship. However, when it comes to addiction and abuse, this technique is wrong. This counseling approach blames the wife for her husband’s sins. 

This is dangerous because it provides the husband with an excuse for his behavior. Worse yet, it sends some women on a painful and unnecessary witch hunt to determine what is wrong with them.  Most likely, her husband has been blaming her for years to justify his behaviors (this is a technique called gas-lighting that is used to distract responsibility).  This exercise would result in destroying what little self-worth the wife has left. Some counselors and pastors fail to address the issue by trying to stay neutral. But this is false neutrality.  Without knowing it, those who think they are staying neutral, are siding with the abuser/offender to the detriment of the victim.

 3. They, themselves, may be struggling or given over to the same sins.  When a person able to counsel is deeply involved in sexual sin, it robs them of their spiritual authority and influence in others’ lives.  Due to their sin, I believe this may be a reason for discouraging a man to give a full disclosure.

 4. There are women who prefer NOT to know.  I have met five of these women who prefer to deny their husbands’ hidden life.  Only five.  Of those five, the reason two of them have for wanting to stay in ignorant bliss, is because they intuitively know the exposure of their husband's sin would cost them their standard of living – huge house, multiple cars, extravagant lifestyle. And for one, her standing in the community as a good Pastor's wife would turn her world upside down. These women also realize exposure could cost them their family’s good standing and reputation within the community.

Another woman I have met – whose husband tried to tell her of his sexual sins 10 years earlier – didn't want to know and was scared to death to know the truth.  Instead, she consumed herself with church volunteerism and various good works to avoid thinking about it. When I met this woman, she was just finding out her husband had been soliciting prostitutes their entire marriage.  

And there are the women who choose not to know because they are in a marriage with a violent abuser who they fear.  I have met two women through my support group who lived this oppressive reality.  They were heroic to simply get by each day and knew that they or their children would get hurt if she confronted anything about his sinfulness. Both of these women were eventually able to get out of their unfaithful abuser's grip, but many women struggle to break free in this situation.

In closing, I'd like to give you a true life story.  In one of the small support groups I was in for women following D-Day, there was a beautiful young wife.  Her husband had just told her of his on-going affairs throughout the last 12 years of their marriage.  The detail that gave her the most anger and grief was in the reality of how she'd contracted a serious STD seven years prior to this disclosure.  She recollected with us how confused she had been when the symptoms began and how she had gone to her doctor.  

After finding out about the STD, she initiated going with her husband to their pastor and two counselors.  Her husband had allowed all of them to insinuate and accuse her of adultery and promiscuity.  For 7 years, her husband had allowed multiple important people in this woman's life to suspect her and judge her character. FOR 7 YEARS!  Just so he could stay private and continue in ongoing sin. 

Despite her longstanding integrity and reputation within the community, and the fact that she had pursued the counsel, none of those in authority questioned her husband's faithfulness. ONLY HERS!  It became crystal clear to me that day, that a husband who has strayed, or who has an addiction should always be encouraged to give his wife a full disclosure.  It is only through full disclosure that a wife is given the truth needed to decide whether to stay or leave and the relief and reassurance from all that she endured during the fog of the unknown.

So, if a pastor, family member, friend or counselor is faced with factual information about a husband's sexual unfaithfulness from him or others (and this includes actual affairs, fantasy affairs, pornography use, etc.), or if they are being asked by a wife for help in attaining a much-needed full disclosure from her husband, perhaps we can start to see things more empathetically from the victim's point of view.  As long as the infidelity remains hidden and only a hunch within the wife, she stays in the dark.  The marriage and family stays in the dark. 

The Church and community stays in the dark.  The man is heading toward eternal darkness. The disclosure can bring much relief emotionally and mentally, and it can bring the wife much-needed support that she needed all along.  Unfortunately, a wife who only has a "hunch" or "gut feeling", is usually judged as "paranoid or controlling"...especially if her husband has been successful at maintaining a squeaky-clean image within the community.  When truth comes out, the wife immediately receives the affirmation and validation that she needs.  The husband benefits from the accountability that is created by the truth being brought to light.  If he is earnest to overcome his sinful tendencies, this will be a good thing.  If he is not, then the wife still benefits.  

It’s very important to realize that if the wife discovers the truth later and learns that others kept the truth from her, this will be an extra burden of betrayal and trauma.

And the truth shall set you free...for those willing to be set free.

Men Against Porn's Mid-Week Minute: Envisioning the Person I Could Become When I am Finally Free!

We know that porn addicts can break free from the addiction by replacing old habits with new ones. Scientific studies are revealing how our neural pathways can be re-routed and re-directed.

The ultimate goal is not that we just quit porn, through behavior modification.  Those who've tried (haven't we all?) behavior modification find that such efforts fall short - again, and again, and again.

We are after nothing less than a renovation of the heart. 

Renovations take time.  Have you ever done a home renovation?  Then you know what I mean. Renovations begin with a vision of a preferable future.  Take a room you'd like to update, for example.  You first 'see' what the room could be.  You imagine new cabinets, pain, decor, etc.

A renovation of the heart begins in the heart, as we imagine - dream of - a different future. Really, it's a picture of what the heart could be if it weren't hooked on porn.

In other words, freedom from porn begins with a vision large enough to replace and rebuild the vision porn consumption has stolen from you!

This week, I'd like to challenge you to imagine a new life.  

What would that life look like?

Take some time and answer the following questions.  These might help you identify practices and habits that will lead you into freedom.

  1. What would my relationships feel like, look like, and sound like, if I weren't trapped in porn?  How would my relational quality improve?  
  2. How would I spend my time with my wife, husband, children, neighbors, colleagues, etc., if my heart weren't occupied by porn?
  3. What might I do with my new-found free time?  What talents, strengths, gifts, hobbies could I explore with the time I once spent consuming porn?

Take about 10 minutes and record your answers to these questions.  Keep them before you and begin moving toward them.  

While this Renovation of Your Heart may take some time - as all long-lasting renovations do - it begins with a vision that propels you further and keeps you going when the going gets tough!

Let us know how we can help!

Biz@menagainstporn.org

"Believing for and Striving Toward the Eradication of Porn in Our Lifetime!"

Full Disclosure to the Wife: Should He, or Shouldn't He?

FULL DISCLOSURE TO THE WIFE: SHOULD HE, OR SHOULDN'T HE?

By Melody O’Malley, BA

 Part One

With today's rampant epidemic of infidelity – even within Christian marriages – the topic of whether or not the wife should benefit from a full disclosure is an idea that's getting a lot more attention. But should a husband fully disclose his sexual misconduct and come clean to his wife? As a wife of one of these husbands, I have to say an emphatic, YES! 

Over the span of my 21-year marriage by the time of D-day ("disclosure day") I had been tortured with bits and pieces of information regarding my "Christian" husband's sexual transgressions. When he would confess, he would give me only the bare minimum to deceive me into thinking he was telling me everything. I so desperately wanted to believe in his goodness, but the dynamic in our home and marriage kept going from bad to worse as little by little details he elected to share came into light.  

Meanwhile, the worst details stayed hidden.  I knew in my spirit something was terribly wrong even after he would swear he'd told me everything.  It wasn't until two years ago I finally got the full disclosure (or at least I hope).  Naturally, I was shocked and horrified to find out the details of his hidden life were far worse than I had ever imagined.  However, I experienced the gravity of that moment as a Heavenly Grace and provision to me in that it was a relief to FINALLY have clarity as to why our marriage had fallen short of my hopes and dreams.  

Should a man disclose his sins like this to his wife?  Yes, he should and here's why. The Bible is emphatic that when a man and a woman marry, the two are to become one flesh.  How on earth can this ever happen if a husband is hiding an entire portion of his life from his wife?  God has made her in a way in which her spiritual antennae will be on high alert, knowing something is not right.  This was not God's plan for marriage.  If they are to become one, there can be no secrets, deception, or lying.  As painful and difficult as it is, there's simply no other way.  For a man to allow his wife to wonder and guess for years, decades, or until even after his death, is cruel and torturous.

Why then are so many women in this situation counseled that they should not need a full disclosure from their husbands, or worse yet, be judged as paranoid, unforgiving, or controlling when they communicate their need to know?  Why are husbands discouraged from being honest with their wives?  There are several reasons for this.  I've collected this information by interviewing numerous pastors and counselors on the topic.  I interviewed them to find one who would help my husband and me long-term. I needed to know it was going to be someone who would encourage my husband to continue being honest.  If we were to survive, I couldn't handle any more secrets. 

4 Reasons Some Pastors/Counselors Discourage Disclosure

1.  Women can't handle the truth about the betrayals.  How sad I thought this was.  The truth is many counselors, pastors and people in general – especially males – can't handle the display of valid, yet strong emotion.  Let's be real here.  Is a woman really supposed to sit like a zombie while hearing her worst nightmares coming to light? Not only is that unrealistic, it's un-Christ-like.  Some pastors or counselors see the husband in his calm and collected state as reliable and emotionally stable. On the other hand, the wife, who is dealing with trauma, is seen as less trustworthy.  This is a common discrimination and unspoken bias.  If his wife displays the appropriate emotions associated with her trauma, a husband can find some pastors or counselors will point the finger at her as being the main source of their marital problems. The wife's appropriate emotional responses become the focus of discussion instead of the reason she is reacting!  

This has nothing to do with women being unable to handle the truth about her husband’s betrayals. I have yet to meet a woman who can't handle the truth.  I've met hundreds who can't handle lies and manipulation.  I'd like to propose that it’s the female genius to forgive and extend mercy.  I wish these pastors and counselors could see the mercy demonstrated by women in my online support group (over 3,000 worldwide) and how they are willing to work with their wayward husbands to save their marriages.

Not only CAN women handle the truth...but they DO, at a most supernatural level. I asked one pastor who told me women can’t handle the truth if he had any examples to share. He spoke about a couple he worked within which the woman had the affair.  When it was brought to the husband's attention, he filed for a divorce the next day.  However, in thinking, the pastor had no recollection of a woman not being able to handle the information.  He had been judging women based on their very appropriate emotional and traumatized responses to the information.

 2. "Sin is between God and him. He has no obligation to tell her."  This may sound holy, but it's not Scriptural. King David tried to get away with this one after he cheated with Bathsheba and killed her husband.  God sent Nathan the Priest to confront him and expose him! In fact, God has inspired it so that David's sin is now in the light for everyone to see who reads the Bible until the end of time!  Sin has its consequences within relationships!  To think sexual sin in particular only affects the individual himself is simply shortsighted and naïve at best. 

3. "It's better to leave the past in the past. Why tell the wife?"   This reason was given by a pastor who told me when a husband comes to him and confesses a transgression he considers the situation "over". He will not encourage the husband to tell his wife.  Here’s the problem with that thinking. If the wife isn't told, the husband is more likely to do it over and over again!  Also, if a man is prone to affairs, he may very likely be involved in pornography and have a full-blown addiction. If this is the case, one cannot trust anything he is saying, whether or not the affair is over or not.  In addition, it's likely the wife already believes something is going on but could never prove it.  Also, it's certain that in order to hide the affair, the husband had to neglect or abuse aspects of the marital relationship. If he indeed loves his wife, he needs, to be honest, and repented so she can understand the past patterns of neglect and bring clarity to the confusion she feels.  For example, most adulterous men will avoid sexual relationships with their wives leaving them feeling undesirable and disconnected.  This can cause incredible insecurity. Knowing he was doing it to hide an affair provides the wife with insight that she is blameless and allows her to regain her self-worth.  Allowing a wife to flounder in the unknown is lacking in compassion and cruel.

 4. "It’s selfish for a man to give full disclosure.  He torments her to ease his own conscience."  This thinking really goes back to the false understanding that women can't handle the truth.  Plus, it would be music to most cheaters' ears to have a pastor or counselor say this and leave him deceived in thinking that it's the "selfless" choice to remain in his hidden world!

Stay with us as Part Two in our Series of "We're Leaving the Spouse Behind" will be posted next week!

MenAgainstPorn

Suffering From Intrusive Sexual Thoughts? Starve Them!

Suffering From Intrusive Sexual Thoughts?  Starve Them!

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS

“What can I do about the sexual images that randomly pop into my head from when I use to visit strip clubs,” asked Larry during one of our session.

My answer? “Nothing.”

I could see my reply took Larry by surprise and I could almost see the thought running through his mind, “What kind of help is that?”

But there was more I needed to share with Larry. “There is nothing you can do to prevent them from entering your stream of thought,” I said. “They are intrusive thoughts and you can’t control them from entering your mind. The solution lies in what you do with those images when they appear.”

Everyone deals with intrusive thoughts but not all are impure. But for the man suffering with a pornography or sexual addiction, sexually-explicit, intrusive thoughts are common.

Why?

Because over the years these men have gathered a warehouse of images that are stored away and able to appear at a moment’s notice whether they want to recall them or not. For men in recovery, intrusive thoughts are annoying and frustrating. But as Larry was about to learn, there is nothing he can do to stop an intrusive thought from developing. However, he has the capability of managing it once it appears.

Starve it!

When a sexually-intrusive thought appears, it can be handled quickly and efficiently by following two steps.

First, take the thought and imagine it is sitting right in front of you (this is called externalizing). Stare at the image and say, “I am going to starve you”. What you are deciding to do is not to allow the image to become a full-blown fantasy. You have instead elected to take control over your thoughts instead of allowing them to control you.

Once you inform the image you are going to starve it, you need to shift your focus to something healthy.

Scripture provides direction on how to do this.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8.

In most case, the image fades. However, should it reappear, simply do the exercise again. Remember, you are in control with what happens to that image.  

Ask Yourself “Why Now?”

After externalizing the image, I encourage men to ask themselves the question, “Why now?” “Why are you (the image) bothering me now?” If we take a few moments and self-reflect on the “why now” question, we usually discover we’re drained in one or more of four areas: physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. And as I tell my clients, “When we are drained, bad things happen.”

But unlike what we did to our intrusive thought – starving it – we will do the opposite to correct our feeling of being drained. Instead, we will feed it by seeking healthy lifelines that replenish us and restore our physical, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual well-being. Each of us have different lifelines, part of your recovery is finding those that work best for you.

Moving forward, remember to starve intrusive sexual thoughts, and feed your depleted self. In doing so, you will be more alert and able to push aside the triggers and temptations that surround you.

Eddie C.

MenAgainstPorn

Men Against Porn's Mid-Week Minute: A Three-Pronged Approach Toward Renewal and Hope!

A Three-Pronged Approach Toward Renewal and Hope!

Resisting porn and recovering from one's addiction is never, ever easy.

Yet, one can live free and people often find freedom.

This week's Mid-Week Minute offers a three-pronged approach to help you in your movement away from addiction toward a new-found freedom.

RESIST. REST. REKINDLE.

  1. RESIST THE PORN-PULL.  When you are first tempted, it's important to resist that temptation and replace it with positive input.  DON'T ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT THAT ONE CLICK IS OKAY!  Rather than give in, resist the temptation and REPLACE it, quickly! How can you replace it?  That leads us to step two. . . 

  2. REST WITH GOOD FRIENDS.  An effective way to battle porn's pull is to lean into meaningful community! Call a friend.  Visit a family member.  Run to an accountability partner!  Visit a local house of worship or community center.  Talk to your coach, teacher, parent, pastor, etc.  Just don't try to fight alone!
  3. REKINDLE REAL LOVE.  Porn is fake love, false love, NO LOVE, period!  It's the absolute opposite of love!!  As you find rest, you'll then find strength to run to real love: the love of a spouse, a brother, sister, child, parent, etc.  Light the flame of lasting love and rekindle the life that you've always longed to live.

We at Men Against Porn are here to help.  

We hope and work for nothing less than the eradication of pornography in our life time.  

We invite you to join us!  If we can be of any assistance, please reach out!

Biz, Men Against Porn

We're Leaving the Spouse Behind

We’re Leaving the Spouse Behind

Wives of Sexual Addicts Being Ignored by Counselors

By Eddie Capparucci, MA, LPC, CSAS

“He told me I should learn to be a better wife and lover,” Karen said with tears in her eyes as she recalled visiting her pastor for advice on how to deal with her husband’s pornography addiction. “I was shocked to hear him say that, but I trusted his advice. Besides, whenever I confronted Tom about using pornography he would always turn the tables on me and complain that if I could be more sexually available he wouldn’t need porn; so maybe there was some truth to what my pastor was saying.“

“So I have spent the past eight months trying to please him sexually. But guess what?” she asked. “He’s still looking at that filth. I can’t believe that I allowed both of those men to hoodwink me into believing it was my fault.”

Unfortunately the story shared by Karen is far too familiar among women who seek counseling to help them deal with the betrayal of their husbands’ sexual infidelities. Many clergy, Christian counselors, and coaches don’t understand the extent of the trauma faced by these victims. In many cases, a woman is mislabeled as co-dependent and an enabler.

“I spent almost a year in counseling after my therapist diagnosed me as co-dependent,” said Maria who husband’s sexual addiction involved numerous betrayals including prostitutes and strip clubs. “The counselor kept telling me I was too emotionally volatile and I needed to learn to get over what happened and forgive. I tried, but I was just so angry, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he hurt me. I could not figure out what would lead him to do this to me and the kids.”

It is not uncommon for a woman in the initial counseling session to present in a highly emotionally-charged state after discovering her husband’s secret. In fact, that “discovery” meeting with a couple is one of the most heart-breaking sessions to facilitate. A woman often will appear out-of-control emotionally, which could lead some therapists or clergy to believe the husband has been dealing with an irrational and over-the-top wife for years.

Following the discovery, higher levels of anxiety, lack of sleep, depression, and indecisiveness all contribute to a woman presenting to a professional as someone who may have trouble regulating her emotional state. However, that is rarely the case.

The emotional trauma suffered in finding out your husband has been sexually betraying you can wreak mental havoc on an individual. When a woman has uncovered the devastation of her husband’s action, she equates it to her world collapsing. Most wives wonder if their marriages can survive, and all have serious doubt they can ever again trust the men who they thought would always nurture and protect their hearts.

It is important to understand that in times of extreme stress the neurochemistry of the brain is altered leaving these women emotionally stuck and struggling to determine how to move beyond the shock. It is critical that Christian counselors and clergy provide a wife enough time – weeks or sometimes months – to process the initial betrayal and begin to self-regulate their emotional state. At that point the professional will have a better understanding of the woman’s ability to move forward in the healing process.

It is incumbent that we take a Christ-like approach with these broken individuals to help them in the long healing process.  “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”  Galatians 6:2

It is generally agreed among certified sexual addiction specialists that recovery time for a woman who has suffered a sexual betrayal is on average 12-24 months. During this time, women need the ability to grieve the loss of the safety they thought their marriage provided. But many women are denied the opportunity to grieve as they are instead pressured to forgive and forget.

Take the case of Deborah who discovered her husband had been engaging in sexual fantasy and masturbation with multiple women via video chat rooms.

“When I found out, I immediately told him he needed to get into counseling, and I decided to do the same,” she recalled. “I saw a female Christian counselor and she proceeded to tell me it is just the way men are wired. I was told I should just accept the fact that all men out act and focus on ‘treating him right in the bedroom’ to prevent him from straying in the future.”

It is incorrect and harmful advice like this that goes against the counseling principle of “do-no-harm”. It also can lead a woman to feel shame and believe she is responsible for her partner’s abusing sex. However, we find in a large majority of cases involving sexual addiction that the husband had difficulty controlling his sexual impulses before he ever met this wife. He brought the sexual addiction into the marriage. But women are being misinformed and led to believe his ‘problem with sex’ is the result of mistakes she made in the marriage.

The truth of the matter is that a large majority of wives who discovered they are married to a sex addict meet the criteria for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In her book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, Dr. Barbara Steffens notes in a study she conducted with women who were married to a sex addict that 70% presented with symptoms of PTSD.

What do those symptoms look like? Here are several keys: inability to concentrate, insomnia, paranoia, re-experiencing through invasive thoughts, and in some cases affecting their ability to function with day-to-day responsibilities. 

“This level of symptoms is consistent with someone exposed to a natural disaster or sexual assault,” says Dr. Steffens. “To me, that is significant information for the spouse and for those who seek to help heal.”  

The proper course of treatment for women attempting to cope with their husband’s sexual acting-out requires counselors and pastors to allow her significant time to process her emotions and tell her story. These women also need to be assured this is not their problem, but instead, the problem is their husband’s.

"I saw the importance of this firsthand, after five years of counseling the wives and girlfriends of porn addicts, from 6pm to midnight every night," Tiffany Leeper, Founder of Girls Against Porn & Human Trafficking recalled. "I had gone through what they did, taking me seven years to recover, so I knew exactly why they were desperately trying to find someone who was empathetic and who understood betrayal," she expanded.

Another important step is obtaining full disclosure from the addicted partner. A large percentage of wives have at some point suspected their spouses had been acting out inappropriately, but when confronted, their husbands covered their actions with lies. This dishonesty can be as devastating as the betrayal itself. It also can leave women questioning their own judgment when they are told their suspicions are unfounded (which further deepens the trauma).

Because of this pattern of dishonesty it is critical for the addicted partner to come clean regarding all inappropriate behavior that occurred throughout the relationship. We see time and time again a husband swear that his wife knows everything only to have another transgression discovered. What this does is push the healing process back to square one and reinforces in the wife that she will never overcome the depth of the betrayal.  

Christian counselors and clergy who work with women suffering from betrayal also need to be aware that the self-worth of these individuals has taken a strong hit. There often is a sense of worthlessness that is established as a woman tries to understand why her husband sought sexual stimulation with others.

“After I saw the images of the young women he was video chatting with I couldn’t help but start to compare myself to them,” said Naomi during one of her counseling sessions. “Here I was a mother of three weighing 25 pounds more than I should. How could I measure up to those women who didn’t have an ounce of fat on them? It’s obvious I am not good enough for him, which leads me to believe I would not be good enough for any man.”

It is critical to help them understand their self-worth is not found through their husbands but instead in Jesus Christ. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”  John 1:12

As for forgiving and trusting again, a woman who has been betrayed needs time to process her emotional anguish. Forgiveness and trust are gifts that are hers along to decide if and when to give. To push a woman to this stage too soon will result in stalling the grieving process. While she may put up the appearance of forgiveness, she will be sitting on negative feelings and distrust that will likely manifest in other ways including passive-aggressive behaviors.

Tiffany Leeper expanded that, "Due to the addictive components of porn and the way it chemically changes the brain causing the addict to often times, retreat, pull away, and express anger towards their spouse, many women instantly take this upon themselves and incorrectly assume they caused it. They don't realize at first that they have to go through a grieving process for who they believed that person to be and how addiction changes someone. In addition, when those types of negative and destructive thought patterns are reinforced by those they are hoping neutrally will acknowledge their pain and the wrong-doing that has occurred to them, anyone can see how this would cause trauma. The trauma then causes physical and emotional manifestations such as: anorexia, severe depression, suicidal thoughts and many more detriments. It is vital that pastoral communities especially know how to create a safe and empathetic environment for these spouses, and most importantly provide knowledgable responses and counseling referrals to a Christian counselor who is trained in sexually addictive behaviors properly."

The wife of a sexually addicted spouse is vulnerable to re-traumatizing if the professional she turns to for assistance is not careful. As competent mental health professionals, we owe it to these women to put our biases aside and engage with them by making them feel valued, honored, and respected as children of the King. It is the same approach we take with their addicted husbands. 

Eddie Capparucci, MA, LPC is a licensed Christian counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual addiction by the International Association of Certified Sexual Addiction Specialists and the American Association of Christian Counselors. Eddie is a frequent contributor to XXXChurch.com, GirlsAgainstPorn.com and MenAgainstPorn.org. He also started his own ministry to help men fight sexual addiction called SexuallyPureMen.com. Among his clients have been NFL and MLB players.

MAP'S MID-WEEK MINUTE: Are Our Public Libraries A Safe-Haven for Porn?

Men Against Porn's Mid-Week Minute

This week's Mid-week minute will expose you to a horrific reality going on right under our noses, in America's Public Libraries. 

Parents: do you know that your children can access porn in our libraries?  

Do you also know that libraries are reticent to stop it and actually, in some cases, quite resistant to those who have tried to shed light on this pervasive and unfettered criminal activity?

Some boards and employees have actually sought the arrest of those with whom they disagree.  

Yes, you read that right.  

They are using tax-payer money to try and arrest those tax-payers who disagree with them and seek to hold them accountable.

By the way, do you know that the American Library Association made the 2017 National Center on Exploitation's Dirty Dozen List as a major contributor to exploitation?

We believe it's time for the American Library Association to be held accountable at the highest levels.  

Click this link that exposes the cover-up and the crimes going on right beneath our noses. Cover-ups that are funded by tax-payer revenue.  

We don't know how far or how wide this is, but it's presence anywhere, at anytime, in this country should be alarming to every citizen of this land!

Public Libraries should not be a safe-haven for porn!

Men Against Porn stands with you and we ask that you stand with us.

Do you agree?  If so, join us!  

How? One quick way is to subscribe to our Facebook page and "like" this article and share it with others!

If you or someone you love is stuck in this addiction, reach out and let us help you get started on your freedom journey today!

MenAgainstPorn

Should We Cheer Facebook for Doing Today What Ought to Have Been Done Years Ago?

The headlines on Wednesday, April 5, 2017 read:

“Facebook is cracking down on revenge porn.”

Well, it's about time!  While we are excited that Facebook is taking this baby step, we also call on Facebook to do more and to do it sooner rather than later!

Let's break this down:

  • Facebook is “Cracking down.”  While, the 'flagging' mechanism on Facebook is now the tool to use for this horrific situation, the investigative methods of Facebook have never been entirely transparent and, quite frankly, are not necessarily administered without partiality.  In fact, they can't be.   The “cracking down” piece of this whole thing may not “crack” much at all.
  • Revenge Porn. This type of porn is defined as the non-consensual sharing of photos.  This could literally be any photo shared without prior knowledge.  Is this not already illegal?   Do they mean nude shots?  Do they mean shots of the sex act?  Do they mean photos of an intimate meal together? So, we ask Facebook to put an end to all porn on Facebook, regardless of how one qualifies it!
  • To Build a Safer Community. This, they say, is their goal.  Again, we applaud the sentiment, but if this were truly their goal, then would parameters not have been set in place at the outset of Facebook's meteoric rise?  Indeed, it seems that Facebook's primary goal is profit.  They've shown no real interest in the 'good of the community' in the past, often (with cowardice) hiding behind the protections of the First Amendment.

We ask you, Facebook: “Why are you just now taking action so many years after realizing there is a problem?”  We have laws on the books, in over 30 states, against revenge porn.  And, though the laws are not consistently applied, their presence represents action against this crime.  Yes, it’s a criminal activity.

We further know that somewhere around 2,000 porn sites are dedicated to revenge porn sites.  Studies reveal that 93% of revenge porn victims suffer significant loss in every meaningful area of life: emotional, financial, occupational, etc. 

That’s NINE out of TEN.

All of this data (only the tip of the iceberg) begs a question: Would not ALL porn that's shared on Facebook be considered non-consensual, revenge porn?

After all, porn-for-profit is, by its very nature, non-consensual.  Full consent implies freedom of consent that cannot (ever!) be full when someone profits (gains) off of another's loss.

Let's face it #Facebook, it's taken too long for you to behave in a way that's simply civil.  

That's right.  This action is the least you should have done.  

It's the bare minimum requirement a civil society ought to expect of the institutions that shape and mold its culture.

My final word to all the executives of Facebook: Your money-making machine was built on a system of shame and sexual abuse, and exploitation (just study the history).  As such, you and all the decision-makers are complicit in the destabilization of society we've experience on your watch.  Yet, you can reverse the course.  You can stem the tide.  You can do more.  You must do more.

If you, and businesses like you, don't start to take these problems seriously, then we and others like us will! 

Biz with MenAgainstPorn!

IS PRETEEN AND TEEN PORN CONSUMPTION LEADING TO SEXUAL ASSAULT IN SCHOOL?

Over fifty million students, K - 12th grade, attend public schools every day in the good Ol' US of A.

Parents hope they send their kids off to learn important subjects like math, reading skills, science, the arts, etc.  More and more, however, it seems that learning how to be a porn-star, or sex-slaves subservient to the uncontrollable desires of teen-aged (mainly male) porn addicts, is also a part of the national curriculum!

At least, that's the case in one Brooklyn school where a thirteen year-old boy lured a seventeen year-old girl with learning disabilities into a bathroom to an ensemble of 6 boys-in-waiting, ready to have her perform sex at their command.

Yeah, you heard that right.  A thirteen year-old boy lured a female student (one struggling with disabilities) into a bathroom and watched as his cadre of porn-induced criminals demanded sex and assaulted her at the very core of her being.

Parents, do you know where your daughter is right now?  

In school?

Learning what, do you suppose?

This is the type of thing (preteen/teen sexual exploitation and assault) that happens to a nation that's been tolerant of pornography for so terribly long.  This is, as it were, a natural outcome of a generation hooked on porn.

Some might argue that porn and porn addiction may have nothing to do with this case.  And, while the facts are still pouring in on that case, let me present some other facts that help us see just how desperately addicted to pornography the children of this nation have become.

  • Studies show that nearly 50% of children ages ten to seventeen are consistently consuming porn online.
  • Twenty-five percent of all internet searches (about 68 million) are related to porn.
  • Of the forty-two percent of teen-age boys who admit to viewing porn within the last twelve months, sixty-six percent of them report it as unwanted exposure.
  • 116,000 searches PER DAY are related to child pornography.
  • Ever thirty-nine minutes a new porn film or video is created.
  • Nearly thirty percent of teenagers admit to sending nude photos or emails, which is a form of porn-production in its own right.
  • Thirty-five percent of all downloads are pornographic.

Sick to your stomach yet? 

Well, we've not even begun to consider the full ramifications of behavioral disorders such consumption is producing.  Ramifications like an innocent young girl being sexually assaulted by her classmates while attending school.

Consider, for example a 2016 meta-analysis of porn which revealed that teens who regularly consume porn reported experiences of reinforcing gender stereotypes, earlier sexual debut, experimentation with casual sex, and, most importantly, increased sexual aggression against others both as perpetrators and victims.

We may not all be addicted to porn, but we're all porn-addicts now!

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that these boys who abused this girl have been and are actively consuming porn.  It's odd that the paper refers to the girl as the one with the disability.  It's clear, to me at least, that it's the boys who are acting in sub-human ways.

While, as a dad, I'd like to see these boys punished to the fullest extent of the law.  What I'd like most is an investigation into what fuels this behavior and then hold the guilty parties responsible.

The guilty?  The folks who are producing and distributing porn at a break-neck clip.

Join the fight today.

Let's see these boys held accountable as well as those who have profited off of their addiction.

Let's live to see the end of porn in our lifetime!

Biz with MenAgainstPorn

Sources

http://enough.org/stats-youth-and-porn

https://www.webroot.com/us/en/home/resources/tips/digital-family-life/internet-pornography-by-the-numbers

http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/10/04/how-much-porn-is-your-kid-watching.html

MAP'S MID-WEEK MINUTE: PARENTS PAY ATTENTION! IGG GAMES OFFERING FREE PORN TO CHILDREN

A few years ago, Singapore based game publisher, IGG,  saw their annual revenue jump over 200%. Their popular Castle Clash accounted for nearly 80% of the jump.  What you may not realize it that kids who play this game are given access to thousands of other games, for free.

Dozens, possibly hundreds, maybe thousands (the number is too high to count), of those other games are explicitly pornographic.

All of the games are free.

All of the games are easy to download and disguise.

Parents never have to know.

The global gaming industry is one that's been teen-friendly (as a distributor of porn and exploiter of our children) for decades.

IGG-games is no exception.

In fact, parents, you need to know that IGG offers porn to your 'gaming-child' for free.  

Yes, they offer games like Honey Select free-of-charge, to children of ANY age.  

Others titles (again free) in their library?

  • Porno Studio Tycoon
  • Drunken Robot Pornography
  • Bad Ass Babes
  • Beauty Bounce
  • Beach Life: Virtual Resort: Spring Break
  • Detective Masochist (Yes, you read it right)
  • Nefarious (as sickening as it is, an "adult" edition featuring anime characters designed to look like preteens)

Some of the games even offer dating advice to your six year old.

And all of it's free.

IGG, short for I Got Games, is a rapidly growing publisher of mobile online games with an astounding global influence.  This group of investors is intentionally poisoning our culture and the children being raised in this culture.

Men Against Porn is working hard to hold investors like these accountable.  Ultimately, we intend to usher in the end of porn in our life time.

Until that occurs, we will stay vigilant in our efforts to help you keep your friends and family safe.

Please help us by sharing these posts and engaging with us in this battle!

The team at Men Against Porn

 

 

 

 

Porn is Destroying Men's Legacies

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, MAP Clinical Contributor & Expert

How do you want to be remembered?

It’s probably not a question we men ponder often. But we should. In fact, it’s probably one of the most critical questions we should ask ourselves. Why? Because whether we like it or not, we are role models. People are watching us. And when they’re watching they are observing how we:

·       Respond to conflict

·       Treat others

·       Approach our work and responsibilities

·       Act in moments when integrity counts most

·       Honor our wives

Whether we realize it or not, people are watching. These include our spouse, children, co-workers, friends and neighbors. And what they are observing is the establishing of our legacy – the way people will remember us.  

But there is a cancer that is killing the legacies of many men in our world today. It’s called pornography.  

"It's difficult to look at him the same way since finding out about his pornography addiction," said Mark, a 24-year-old whose father confessed after his 33-year addiction was discovered. "It's not that I don't love him anymore but my image of the man who always did the right thing has been tainted by the pain he caused my mother."

Whether your spouse and children are aware of your pornography use, you are cheating them. The image they hold of you is nothing more than a façade. Each day, thousands of men are caught engaging in the selfish pleasure of pornography, which results in the breaking of their wives’ and children’s hearts. It is a betrayal that destroys marriages and robs children of their innocence.

“My husband left his pornography unattended and our 12-year-old son stumbled across it,” says one mother. “He then started to act out what he saw with his 9-year-old sister. Both of my children are forever damaged by my husband’s filthy habit. Bringing pornography into our home destroyed all of our lives and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him.”

As men, we can do many things our loved ones respect and admire. But all those deeds are undermined when we allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness of pornography. Failing to get control of our lust can undermine everything we work hard to achieve while leaving those close to us seeing us through tainted lenses.

“People in our community look up to him and he is a Deacon in our church,” remarks Suzanne, who continues to struggle with feelings of betrayal after discovering her husband’s long-time pornography use. “But the image he portrays is phony. He’s not the man they think he is. When I hear someone praise him I cringe. Yet, he keeps up the charade, which leads me to slowly continue to lose whatever respect I still have for him.”

As men, we must challenge ourselves to uncover the insights behind our use of pornography. You don’t engage because of an uncontrollable sexual hunger. You engage to distract yourself from emotional distress. And in many cases, you may not be conscious of what that emotional pain is about.

There is no doubt that pornography is an excellent tool that helps men escape. But it also is a damaging tool that kills legacies.

 How do you want to be remembered?

 

Mid-Week Minute: Sexting on the rise?

You think porn is someone else's problem? You may want to view this quick new report and reevaluate your position!

Porn consumption continues to grow at a break-neck pace in our society.

Sending and receiving personal pornographic images, via text from a child's phone - known as 'sexting' - continues to rise!

As parents, we need to be equipped with the facts so we can engage in the fight!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBn0I0tToaA&feature=youtu.be

Such realities are directly related to the proliferation of pornography!  While the porn industry is desperately trying to clean up their act, we know that there is no such thing as good, clean porn!

The current social toxins our children have to navigate are directly related to the proliferation of pornography!

If you'd like to know how to get involved, for the sake of your children, reach out to us.  We can help!

Try these three quick tips to engage your children and prepare your home to withstand porn's assault

  1. Talk to your child!  Let your son or daughter know that you know how easy it is for someone to see porn these days.   Take the 'sting' out of it by letting them know that you are always open to discuss the matter when it occurs.
  2. Ask them directly! Just ask your child if they've seen porn.  They will likely say 'no,' but pay attention to their body language.  If you suspect they aren't entirely truthful in their response, then craft out intentional time and space with them, so they will feel safe to discuss it with you.
  3. Spend time with your child.  Porn addiction is nurtured in the fertile soil of isolation.  Your best defense is a strong offense!  Be proactive with fun, productive activities!

MenAgainstPorn!

MenAgainstPorn's Mid-Week Minute: Family Friendly, Parent Driven Updates

 

Three Steps Any Parent Can Take to Prepare Your Children to Prevent and Have Victory Over Porn

Step One: Understand and Teach this: There is no such thing as 'good' porn.  

This is crucial.  Many of us tolerate porn because our culture is so tolerant of it, or because we are trapped or hooked to it.  

If you are confused about porn's devasting influence, then click this link,  http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/pornography_is_what_the_end_of_the_world_looks_like_20150215#.VOI89eX4huE.twitter

The porn industry is on a break-neck pace to clean up its image and rebrand its product.  Don't be fooled.  Porn is not sex.  It's the opposite of sex.

Step Two: Begin discussing sexuality and porn, particularly, while your children are young.

Children are being tricked into viewing porn at very young ages - sometimes as young as five to six years of age.  This is not by accident.  The industry targets them and hopes to exploit their innocence and curiosity before they are old enough to understand the ramifications.

If you want a resource to tackle this, then click here.

Step Three: Beware of too much technology, too early.

It's time parents wake-up to the destructive reality of porn and begin to prevent their children's access to it.  This means that parents should be wary of putting a smart phone in their kids hands too early.  The internet is the porn industry's Mississippi River - it's the pathway to the world.  So, keep your children safe by keeping them away from the river, so to speak.  

If you already have technology in your home (most of us do), then check out these options for filtering and blocking software.  Click here, http://www.toptenreviews.com/software/security/best-internet-filter-software/

Join us in our efforts to eradicate porn in our life time! 

MAP'S Mid-Week Minute!

This edition of MAP's Mid - week minute is a simple reminder of our Give Up Lust for Lent Campaign. Check out Eddie's blog, here, for encouragement!

If I could give the world one gift, it would be the gift of confession.  Confession of our failures and shortcomings is a vital practice or rhythm, especially for men - or anyone - struggling with a porn habit or addiction.

If I could give the world a second gift, it would be grace.  Grace to receive the confession and welcome the repentance that comes with confession.  Both of these are something we sorely lack in our modern world.  In our homes, neighborhoods, synagogues and sanctuaries, places of work, schools, etc., we lack confessional grace.

If I could give the world a third gift, it would be loving truth.  I pair these together because to separate them from one another is to tear at the heart of both.  Where there is love, there is truth and where there is truth, there is love.

If you're struggling with a porn addiction or habit, we at MAP know that you need to experience all of the above mentioned gifts - you need to know that they are reliable and trustworthy.  We encourage you to reach out and and confess your struggle, habit, or addiction, to someone whom you love and who loves you!

If you don't have that person, then reach out to us.  We, like you, are just a bunch of guys trying to live the life we've been called to live: knowing that porn disables our efforts at every turn.

Truth is: I don't need to give the world these gifts.  In fact, this time of year is a season in which we celebrate the embodiment of each of these gifts.  The embodiment of loving truth and confessional grace is found in the person and work of Christ.  

Let Him journey with you as he journeys with us and we - together - commit to "Give Up Lust For Lent."

Biz

MenAgainstPorn's Mid-Week Minute: Parent Update, Porn Site Launches Sex Ed!

Well, it's finally here.

The most overt act against our children porn has perpetrated yet.

What is it?

Porn sites are now actively launching a 'sex-ed' platform as a part of their attempts to mainstream their product.

The main site for this new launch is also one of the largest, PornHub.  Parents be aware and be ready - though the site tries to appear as harmless, the links, notes, and external outlets can lead your child down the road to porn addiction!

Educate and Empower Kids contributor, Crissy May, comments on PornHub's lack of concern for our children and outright deception, when she writes,

"When looking at the main page, one might think that PornHub is trying to inform their customers about contraception, sexual autonomy, and consent; however, at a closer look, it becomes clear that its main goal is to encourage unhealthy sexual views.  While none of the articles contain pornographic pictures, some such as “What Happens at Play Parties? Notes from a Study” provide links to suggestive articles about BDSM and sex parties, some containing mild porn. While another article describes sexual positions and encourages the reader to look deeper by using very explicit descriptions. PornHub has also “conveniently” added a link at the bottom of all the pages to their main website; leaving easy access to their pornographic content."

We at Men Against Porn say, "Enough is enough."

Help us eradicate porn in our life time!

You personally may not be a porn addict, but porn is making addicts of us all.  It's time we stand together for our children and grandchildren and seek to stop global pandemic.

Biz@Menagainstporn.org