How to Rebuild a Life Ravaged by Porn! Part 2

By Biz Gainey

Playing the victim Will Never Lead to Victory

The choice to play the victim is an easy one for an addict to choose!  An addict, or someone struggling with an attraction to pornography, often feels like a victim--as if there is no other choice but to consume porn and feed the sexual perversion. 

Indeed, an addict, in real ways, becomes a victim of his/her behavior.

Playing the victim usually means, however, that one is refusing to own up to one’s behavior. This response is a dead end and could ultimately lead to the death of all one loves and holds dear. 

If you are going to rebuild from the brokenness of a life ravaged by porn, then this default response must stop.

Nearly twenty years ago, I was forced to own up.  My wife discovered my addiction during the moment of my consumption.  This moment changed everything for me and began to usher in my long and, at times, excruciating, walk into freedom.

Looking back on that time, I can recall three building blocks that have remained firm down to this very day.  If you are hoping to rebuild your life and relationships that porn is ravaging, these building blocks might be the place where your journey begins.

Building Block #1: Confess your addiction. 

This is the first step.  I began by confessing to a trusted friend who was willing to walk with me and encourage me to confess to my wife.  The pain of confession was as excruciating as the freedom from confession was liberating!  Full confession, freed from the tug of victimization, self-preservation, or blame-shifting is the most fundamental step I ever took on this journey into freedom.

Confession began (at least for me) with God. I recall vividly sensing the depth of my sin against God. After all, each image was a picture of someone's daughter, sister, mother and friend. Like David, my heart wept before the King. God's grace allowed me to see that my sin against others - through my porn addiction - was ultimately a sin against Him.  

As David cries out in Psalm 51:1 - 4, so my heart cried out before the Lord:

Have mercy on me, God, according to your faithful love!
    Wipe away my wrongdoings according to your great compassion!
Wash me completely clean of my guilt;
    purify me from my sin!
Because I know my wrongdoings,
    my sin is always right in front of me.
I’ve sinned against you—you alone.
    I’ve committed evil in your sight.
That’s why you are justified when you render your verdict,
    completely correct when you issue your judgment.

Building Block #2: Accept the pain you have caused and the consequences it brings. 

Pornography addiction divides your soul as well as the relationships in your life.  Your confession will likely throw your loved ones into a tail-spin.  

Be prepared for this.  

Seek counsel ahead of time.  

Have a friend join you.  Take any measures you can take to help your spouse, child, or loved one receive your confession.  At the same time, be prepared for immense pain and anger to burst forth from the hurt they will feel.

I cannot overemphasize this point.  The revelation or your struggle with pornography is going to hit your loved one like a hammer.  They will reel and react in ways that you must absorb.

Their pain does ease – with time, counsel, and the steady rebuilding of trust - but the consequences may endure for some time.  You will need to begin to establish rhythms of trust and surrender that will help rebuild hope and confidence.

Building Block #3: Make a commitment to take concrete action that will move you toward freedom. 

Commit to making a host of intentional and steady decisions that remove the vehicles of 'easy input' and establish rhythms of accountability.   I committed to a life of accountability with Melissa and others whom she trusted to help me walk this path. 

Here are a few choices I made that helped move me toward freedom:

  • Intentional involvement with a counselor or support group that helped me process why I felt the need to escape into the world of porn.
  • Consistent rhythms and patterns that rebuilt trust and confidence.  For example, my wife had access to my calendar and could call me at any moment and get a report on exactly what I was doing.
  • I found a friend that would hold me accountable and encourage me toward freedom.
  • I avoided places that might trigger the addiction.
  • I installed – and still keep installed – accountability software on every device.  My wife keeps the password.

These building blocks require surrender.  There is no other way.  Life in your own hands has become a mess.  You must surrender control and trust others to help you achieve that which you are unable to achieve for yourself.

As you surrender, you then build trust and begin to trust.

As you build trust and begin to trust, you become a person who lives in and longs for the rhythm of surrender.

Before you know it, you are beginning to live with intention, and you are no longer fleeing - as frequently - to the perils of your blood-sucking habit/pattern/addiction.

The cycle is beautiful and life-giving!

Remember, as ones who have been there and done that, we are here to walk with you and assist you on your long journey home.

If you find our resources helpful to you and those you love, we ask that you share them with your friends, neighbors, and communities!

Together we can experience a porn-free life and help usher in the end of porn addiction in our lifetime!