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The Difference Between Noticing and Objectifying

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS

The definitions of the following two words come from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

Notice: to become aware of (something or someone)

Objectify: to treat as an object or cause to have objective reality

Why have I shared these definitions with you? Too often, those in recovery – both the betrayer and betrayed – get confused when determining whether or not the betrayer is struggling with street lust.

Let’s listen to a check-in that occurred between one recovering couple.

Wife: So, did you have any struggles today?

Husband: Well, I had one struggle when I stopped in a convenience store. A woman was standing off to the side, which I saw. I noticed she was attractive.

Wife: Did you look at her a second time?

Husband: No, I did not.

Wife: Then why did you say it was a struggle? You must have looked a second or third time if there was a struggle.

Husband: I saw her once and did not look for more than one second. I only observed that she was pretty and then moved on.

Wife: There must be more to the story because you told me that you were struggling, and if you thought you were struggling, that means you probably couldn’t get her out of your mind.

In this scenario, the husband did not struggle. But he believes he has done something wrong by looking in the direction of another woman and noticing her. Nothing could be further from the truth.

This husband’s actions signal a common misconception: equating noticing with struggling. However, the truth lies in discerning the intention and actions that follow the initial observation. Noticing someone’s attractiveness is a natural human response. Still, it is the subsequent behaviors that determine whether one has crossed the line into objectification.

Crossing the Line

However, if a husband engages in one of the following activities, he has moved beyond noticing and toward objectification.

1. Canvassing the area and actively scanning his surroundings for attractive individuals indicates a pursuit for visual stimulation. There is no room in recovery for people-watching. Instead, we must stay focused on our mission (why we are out in public) and redirect our attention when encountering someone attractive. The focus should turn back to our mission.

2. Turning back for a second or third look. When a man succumbs to the allure of an attractive person, dopamine amplifies, and he has crossed over into the world of objectification. Again, he has lost focus of his mission and allowed himself to be distracted.

3. You start checking out body parts. Now, this, too, is not a black-and-white situation. While it is inevitable to notice physical attributes, fixating on a woman in yoga pants is crossing the line. That is why it is critical to shift your attention and focus elsewhere. But I have worked with men who have been convinced if they saw part of a woman’s body, they are lusting. This is not true. In this case, when a man sees a woman whose clothing reveals parts of her body, he should calmly turn away and re-shift his attention. It does not become objectification until a man starts to objectify and fantasize. 

4. You later use the image of the woman to fantasize and perhaps masturbate. Utilizing mental images of individuals you had earlier observed solidifies the objectification process. If you refrain from indulging in fantasy, you honor others and build your integrity muscle.

Summing It Up

Being able to distinguish between noticing and objectifying is critical for a man in recovery who wants to keep his partner feeling secure. But to accomplish this objective, he must engage in mindfulness and commit to respectfully acknowledge those around him. This commitment must identify the inherent worth of every individual he sees during his missions. Forget about bouncing your eyes and instead focus on seeing people as people and not objects.

There is More to Recovery Than Stopping Bad Behaviors

There is More to Recovery Than Stopping Bad Behaviors

“I have not looked at porn in over two years,” said Timmy, who has been married for 23 years and has struggled with pornography since he was 14. “But my wife still pays very little attention to me and will not reconcile sexually. It’s frustrating, and I have no idea what to do.”

Listening to Timmy, many counselors may be sympathetic toward his situation. Here is a man who has done the recovery work to remain pure from porn, yet his wife remains disengaged. Based on Timmy‘s input, some clinicians would be sympathetic toward him while condemning his wife’s actions. However, I have seen this scenario far too many times to jump to that conclusion.

You see, Timmy is one of those men who believes if he is no longer engaging in destructive behaviors, the relationship between him and his wife should be restored. However, he could not be more wrong. No longer engaging in pornography alone will not make a large majority of betrayed mates feel safe. So why is that?

Because while men like Timmy may have eliminated their bad behaviors, good behaviors that build relationships and encourage closeness are usually not exhibited. Let’s go back to Timmy’s situation.

Speaking to his wife, Taylor, she says although Timmy reports no longer looking at pornography, he is still very defensive, continuously checking his cell phone and not engaging with her and the children the way she would like despite numerous requests. Therefore, She refuses to move toward him because she does not trust he has stopped looking at pornography.

“He told me he is no longer doing that, and therefore I should believe it,” she told me. “But none of his other behaviors, which were just as troubling, have changed. I don’t see him making any positive behavioral changes that would make me feel more secure. And if he is not changing in other areas, why should I believe he no longer looks at porn?”

Who could argue with that? I certainly could not. A man in recovery needs to understand no longer engaging in bad behaviors is not enough to restore his relationship. Instead, his mate is looking to see a transformed heart and new actions that demonstrate selflessness.

The most effective way to help someone who is betrayed is through consistent actions that show “I am invested in us”. Actions such as being outwardly focused, emotionally engaged, curious, mindful, and completely transparent, to name a few. The only way to demonstrate to your partner a commitment to being faithful moving forward is by showing her a renewed heart focused on loving and honoring her always.

In my upcoming book entitled Why Men Struggle To Love, you will learn why BEING SOBER IS NOT ENOUGH and understand how to develop a transformed heart. Now available at Amazon.

Defeat Your Porn/Sex Addiction

Defeat Your Porn/Sex Addiction

Join Us For a Special Virtual Retreat Weekend Feb. 26-28

Tired of constant failure when it comes to defeating your porn/sex addiction? Are you struggling to emotionally connect and engage with loved ones? Well, there is real help available for you.

Husband Material is sponsoring a virtual retreat that will focus on helping individuals overcome porn/sex addiction and how to learn to be more emotionally connected with other.

Dr. Eddie Capparucci will demonstrate how unresolved childhood pain points lead to addictive behaviors. He also will be sharing his work in the development of the 14 Blind Spots that inhibit an individual’s ability to foster healthy intimate relationships.

The retreat will also consist of small group discussions and various exercises designed to help you gain more insight regarding “why” you think, feel and do the things you do. Check out the video below to see the group leaders who will be participating. You can learn more about the retreat by visiting www.husbandmaterial.com/retreat.

https://www.facebook.com/1658550411/videos/10217565645807178/

How Unresolved Childhood Pain Points Impact Sex/Porn Addictions

How Unresolved Childhood Pain Points Impact Sex/Porn Addictions

You may think the bullying you endured in middle school is far behind you. Or the insults hurled by your mother are a thing of the past. Or the beatings you took from your older sibling have been long forgotten. 

But that may not be the case. In fact, a large majority of individuals who struggle with sexual or pornography addictions have unresolved childhood pain points that still haunt them today.

They encountered negative events that activate suppressed memories of emotional, mental, or physical distress suffered as children. Although the pain endures was bad enough, what made the situation worse is caregivers did not comfort these individuals in their time of need. For many reasons, parents were not emotionally available to help soothe the distress and teach that the pain will not last forever.

Instead, these children had to face traumatic events alone and their solution to dealing with the distress was to not think about the situation. And to accomplish this, they learned to distract themselves with too much television, food, or fantasy. With this defense mechanism, they had entered the beginning phase of what would become behaviors that lead to addictions.

The following is part one of a two-part interview that details how the Inner Child uses our childhood pain points to drive our sexual or pornography addictions.

Why Do We Do What We Do?

Why Do We Do What We Do?

Take a listen to this podcast from the folks at AffairRecovery.com and learn “why” we do the things we don’t want to do. Discover how you can become empowered by understanding the rationales behind your sexual behaviors and how to stop them by staying one step ahead of the Inner Child.

Why do I do what I do? Help for Unfaithful Spouses Who Are Trying to Make Sense out of It All

No more do you need to wonder “why” has sex had a stronghold on my life. You can now discover the answers that will help you manage your sex or porn addiction. And when you are done watching the video go to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com to learn more and to sign up for our newsletter.

It’s Father’s Day. Is Porn Killing Your Legacy?

It’s Father’s Day. Is Porn Killing Your Legacy?

Taking the time and having the discipline necessary to exercise and eat well can keep our bodies from breaking down prematurely. Everyone knows strong muscles, along with a healthy cardiovascular system, leads to overall better physical health.

The same is true when it comes to our maintaining our integrity – we need to put forth a proactive conditioning effort. It is through a never-ending, self-reflection process that we fine-tune our integrity, thus allowing us to create and ultimately leave behind a solid legacy. Looking in the mirror regularly and searching to see our faults and weaknesses is not a pleasant task but an essential one. It is by facing our brokenness that we can become better men.

And nowhere can we find better guidance for integrity and legacy development than with the Fruit of the Spirit outlined in Galatians 5: 22-23.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.”

I urge you to take a moment and carefully review these virtues. How well are you doing in each of those areas? Are you filled with love, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness? Do you have good patience and self-control?

To create an enduring legacy, we must practice the noble character traits outlined in the Fruit of the Spirit. We should commit ourselves to spend time each day reviewing these nine important principles and working to strengthen them within us.

By dedicating ourselves to the Fruit of the Spirit, not only will we cement our positive legacy, but we will find ourselves living more by Spiritual values as opposed to worldly ones. Unfortunately, today more than ever, men are being drawn into the dark world of pornography, which is a threat to their legacies. It is estimated that nearly 65% of all men view pornography at least once a month. And 3-5% of the U.S. male population struggles with a pornography addiction.

This Sunday is Father’s Day. If you are caught in the stronghold of pornography, please give your family the most valuable gift they could ever receive and get the help you need to break free from this darkness. And with this, you will be on the pathway to creating a strong and enduring legacy. And for that, the world will be a much better place. 

Becoming the New Guy: Why Eliminating Your Addiction Isn’t Enough

Becoming the New Guy: Why Eliminating Your Addiction Isn’t Enough

“Why should I believe him,” Brenda asked me about her husband, who told her he has not watched pornography for more than nine months. “Tell me why I should trust his man just because he tells me he’s no longer watching it. I have heard him make these claims many times, only to have my heart broken again and again because he was lying.”

Women like Brenda have every right to question the sincerity of their partners, especially if there has been a history of lying, deceit, and gaslighting. It is challenging for them to forget the painful falsehoods and give their partner yet another opportunity.

So how do you know if your partner is on the road to recovery from his struggle? I believe you need to see the ‘new guy’ in your relationship.

“It’s so hard to believe he is telling me the truth when I see so many of the same behaviors,” said Kelly of her husband Carl, who used to spend endless hours late at night webcamming with escorts. “He’s not online late at night anymore, but still lies about small things, he doesn’t help me around the house, he never talks, and the phone is always in his hand. He is the same guy, except he says he’s no longer chatting with sluts. Sorry, but I don’t buy it.”

And there you have it. Carl may no longer be engaged in video chatting, but he is the same guy who was being unfaithful to Kelly. It’s no wonder she doesn’t trust him when he says he has changed. Because with the exception of removing the destructive online behavior, he has done nothing to change and become the man she would like him to be.

So, what is going on here?

In my private practice, where I work exclusively with men struggling with sexual and pornography addictions, I have identified significant character deficiencies that I believe plague all of these men. Looking at the chart below, you can see eight key issues that prevent men from becoming the ‘new guy’ and experiencing rewarding and joyful relationships.

The characteristics I have identified are:

  1. Avoids emotional pain
  2. Lacks curiosity
  3. Struggles to connect
  4. Inwardly focused (selfish)
  5. Limited interests or passions
  6. Low emotional IQ
  7. Lacks mindfulness
  8. Unresolved childhood pain points

Based on my work with this client population, I estimate that 90% of men who struggle with compulsive sex and pornography display at least six of these characteristics, and this causes issues when trying to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships. Moreover, I always believe at the root of these issues is a lack of proper nurturing during the critical development years of childhood.

A vast majority of these men had parents who could not nurture them or teach them how to deal with emotional distress. Without that importance guidance, these individuals were left to determine on their own how to cope with emotional pain and provide themselves with comfort. As children, with thinking that is emotionally based and without vast worldly experiences, they came up with a simple solution to this dilemma – I won’t think about it. So they distracted themselves with too much television, fantasy play, food, etc. Somewhere along the way they stumbled across sexual activity and discovered this was the most effective of all forms of distractions and stimulation. And it soon became their go-to drug to eliminate emotional distress.

Now, as adults, they still run away from emotional pain with destructive behaviors such as compulsive sex and pornography.

Men who wish to experience real joy and happiness in their relationships need to work on the character issues outlined above. They must strive to become better men, husbands, fathers, sons, coworkers, and friends. And it all starts by working on these eight characteristics.

In the coming weeks, I will be breaking down each of these areas and outlining steps and tools that can lead to these men toward becoming the new guy.

Coronavirus Isolation May Increase Risk of Porn Use

Everything seems to be shutting down and people are locking down as the Coronavirus spreads and government officials look to contain the disease. You can’t argue with the cautious methods being taken. But for individuals who struggle with, or recently have obtained sobriety from pornography, being confined at home could increase the risk for relapse. Why? Several reasons.

1. Anxiety Regarding the Unknown

Face it, some people are worried and others are out-right scared regarding the current situation. No one knows how long this crisis will last and what its impact will be not only regarding health, but also school, work and finances. These concerns most certainly could lead individuals to withdraw into the dark world of pornography to evade their worries.

2. Distraction from the negative news coverage.

It’s Coronavirus 24-7 with wall-to-wall coverage that is bombarding us. All of the negativity at some point, will lead many individuals to tune out the media coverage and replace it with something that will soothe and stimulate, such as pornography.

3. Escape from boredom.

This of course is the most obvious rationale for someone to reach out to pornography and masturbation. Most people are not use to sitting at home without uninterrupted periods of work and school. Losing the routine of going to work, school or engaging in social activities, is going to cause individuals to lack structure, which is essential for long-term recovery.

What is important during this unprecedent time is for those who struggle to be mindful that these emotionally trying circumstances could increase the risk of acting out. And with this insight, each individual should develop a strategy to help them deal with emotional triggers and temptations. This may include:

  • Participating in online and telephone support groups
  • Staying in contact with your sponsor or support team via electronic mediums
  • Ensuring you are limiting your access to electronic devices especially when you are feeling drained mentally, emotionally, physically or Spiritually
  • Spending quiet time in prayer and reflecting each morning on things that you are grateful for instead of focusing on the negativity surrounding us

This indeed may be a very challenging time for many who struggle not only with a pornography addiction, but with other addictive behaviors including smoking, eating, binge watching, etc. But it doesn’t mean you are facing certain failure. If you maintain your focus and create a new structure to adapt to the current situation you can find yourself beating the odds and defeating lust.

The Fight Against Porn Update

Now that most state legislative sessions are in full swing, we’ve been having a lot of great movement and updates with our initiatives. As you may know, we supremely focused on bringing attention and solutions to the proliferation of pornography in our country today. Check out what’s happening.

Ohio

Thanks to everyone’s recent support in reaching out to offices in Ohio for HR180 declaring pornography a crisis, and it passed out of committee! We had such a good response from people that had emailed and called legislators. It was humbling. The resolution will go back up for vote in a couple weeks and we will keep you informed with the progress! 

Congress

Last month, we met with U.S. Congresswoman Vicky Hartzler regarding a federal solution to fighting pornography. Thanks to Russ White (CCV), and Donna Rice Hughes (EIE) for joining. It is time for the U.S. to take a big step to getting online pornography away from children, and thanks to all of those who have signed our petition calling for a federal age-verification solution. We are making great headway to make this a reality.

Tennessee

The Safer Internet for Minors Act has been introduced and is moving well. This bill will require Internet provider to filter obscene/pornographic websites by default for customers, and much needed parental control features with service. So far the public has been mostly kind with attention from the AFA, The Activist Mommy, Technical Politics, and more. The bill is set for a hearing the second week of March and we are excited about our champion legislators who are boldly moving this forward.

South Carolina

We are excited about the progress in South Carolina. Madeline Johnson, our University Director, has been working closely with State Representative Anne Thayer on drafting of the resolution declaring pornography a health crisis. Accompanied by her friend Colby Calloway, these two on-fire college students, are making such a difference. Madeline recently spoke at an event with legislators and garnered a handful of co-sponsors to the resolution.

Missouri

HCR 72 is headed to the Missouri House floor and will move to the Senate soon! This bill is way ahead of ideal schedule to be passed. Thanks to Uriah Stark for galvanizing this effort to officially recognize the health hazard of pornography. Also, because of the idea and organization efforts of Uriah, NDC held its first ever Rally for Decency with amazing speakers and advocates such as Russ Tuttle, Allissa Johnson, and more.

Would you like to join our team?

We are a passionate tight knit group of volunteers that join for a conference-call every other week and meet up yearly in the nation’s capital. For more information about joining the National Decency Coalition, go to: https://decencyusa.org/volunteer. We would love to have you be part of our team.

Fifth Annual: Give up Lust for Lent

So how are you doing with the porn problem you keep saying you’re going to tackle? Are you still struggling? Are you attempting to keep it hidden from your family, friends, and co-workers? Are you still living with the shame of not being able to stop?

Well, you are far from alone. Millions of men are in the same predicament. Each time they succumb to the images, they promise themselves, “that was the last time.” But it’s not.

Studies show 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites, and 70% of men ages 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month. The most active group engaged in online porn is men, ages 35 and 49. It is estimated 3-5% of the population has a pornography addiction. I told you, you’re not alone.

For a fifth consecutive year, Men Against Porn is sponsoring its annual Give Up Lust for Lent campaign, where Christian men are encouraged to take the steps necessary to put them on the right pathway in managing their pornography problem.

Each year, the response to this campaign has been positive with men taking the leap to rid themselves of this decaying habit that wears upon their integrity and shakes their position as spiritual leaders of their home.

Once again, the season of Lent is upon us, and it’s time to ask men to exam their hearts and ask God for the strength to turn away from pornography, as well as illicit chat rooms, massage parlors, affairs, strip clubs, and other activities that demean women and dishonor their wives.

You may be shocked to know this addiction is not about sex but instead is an intimacy disorder. Men abuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is subconscious. In dealing with an addiction, understanding the root cause of why it developed is a significant factor in recovery.

As we enter the season of Lent here are several steps you can take to begin the process of removing a porn addiction from your life:

1. Admit your struggles.

Denial is a stumbling block for all addicts. The inability to see the potential destruction their actions cause leaves many people struggling needlessly. Ask God to help you examine your heart and make you aware that you need assistance. “Moreover, the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” Deuteronomy 30: 6.

2. Ask for help.

Removing sexual sin from our lives is something we can’t do on our own. We need assistance and accountability. Seek out a trained professional and/or support group to help you get your journey going. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16

3. Do it now.

There will always be a reason to put it off, including the long-term rationale, “I will try harder and commit myself never to do it again.” But that approach rarely works. You need insight about yourself and why you use sex to soothe your emotional pain. You need to identify the core emotional triggers that lead to your acting out. You must create exit strategies that will help you escape temptation. It would be best if you had a community that will support, encourage, and, most importantly, provide accountability as you travel
along in your journey.

4. Check our blogs and articles for resources.

Visit the MenAgainstPorn.org website and check out our blog for articles and resources that can assist you on your journey. Structure and self-care are essential components to beating this problem. We can show you how.

On Feb. 26, join your brothers in a mission to re-build your integrity and strengthen your legacy. Take the steps needed to honor yourself, your spouse, and God. Make a commitment to Give Up Lust for Lent.

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